Saying the right thing to someone with cancer

People often ask me what they should say or do for people who have been diagnosed with breast cancer. After all, having walked the dreadful road myself made me experience first hand the good and the bad. Wait, the good? Well, it did bring my family closer together...and the fact that I am still here 7 and half years later makes me realize it's almost all good :)

 

Having a friend or a loved one going through it is no cake walk. Just ask my husband and kids. They still remember! Dylan said the other day he brought it up in seminary at school. He was a second grader at the time.  Even Mallory remembers, even though she was only 5.

 

 Last week a friend emailed me asking this same question. Her niece was recently diagnosed and she wanted to know what things helped me cope, what people did that was helpful to me and my family. I wrote her a long email, and she said "You know, you should put that on a blog or something!" And I thought..."Alright...I'll dust off that blog I haven't updated in over a year". 

 

So in honor of breast cancer awareness month, and in an effort to help anyone out there, here's my two cents.

Those first few weeks after a cancer diagnosis are just awful. I can remember being so scared I couldn't eat or sleep. Here are some things that helped me cope.

 

 I longed to hear good positive stories of people who had been in my shoes and survived! Especially those who had my same type of cancer (grade 3 aggressive, triple negative) and had gone through surgery, chemo, and radiation. I looked at a few online support groups, which helped, but once in a while I'd run into statistics or comments about people whose cancer had spread and it affected me for days. So, it depends on how much she can handle. I do think talking to a survivor is key.

 

I  had many friends from church clean my house, bring meals for my family, help run my kids to and from their various activities. That was amazing help. I wanted my family to keep living as normal as possible, and even if I was too sick to eat one day, I knew they had a good meal coming. 

 

Some people gave me uplifting books, funny movies ( laughing was good and keeping my mind occupied). I had a lady sew me some head covers and my co workers all pitched in and gave me $300 so I could have a real human hair wig, which looks much more natural than the cheap kind. You can actually curl them, straighten them, and treat them like your own hair. The others can light on fire if you get too close to the oven...haha. I'm so glad I can laugh about this now!

 

Anything you can do to make her daily life easier will be appreciated. I'm sure that right now, if the diagnosis was recent, she is probably overwhelmed with phone calls and sympathy. Make sure that you help her down the road, when people seem to forget about it, or get used to it. The lonely and depressive times came later for me, when I was half way through chemo, still just as needy as before, but people were busy and didn't help as much.

 

Now, let me tell you about what you should NOT do. It might seem silly, but there were some things that people did for me that simply didn't help, or even made me feel worse. Here we go...

 

Keep the sad stories to yourself. I never appreciated hearing from someone's mom, grandma, or aunt who LOST the battle with cancer. As cancer patients, we know people die as a result of this disease, but we also know that a lot of people make it, so please save the sad stories. She won't want to hear them. It would take me days to crawl out of the hole when I heard of people who died.

Another thing I didn't like was people sending me flowers (I am so sorry if any of you out there sent me flowers, I still love you!!). I know they meant well, but flowers remind me of funerals and I couldn't handle it. I threw them away as they came. Spend your money on a frozen lasagna she can feed her family with later on.

Lastly, I didn't appreciate people giving me advice on what I should or shouldn't eat because it causes cancer. Again, I know they meant well, but sometimes I could literally feel that my cancer was spreading inside right after I ate that Twix candy bar. I have changed a lot things in my diet in the past few years (I now stick to the fun size Twix). =) Seriously though, I know there are carcinogens in foods and in the environment, but when you are in the midst of the adversity you don't need people giving your recipes or advice for cancer fighting foods, shakes, or secret potions that will cure you. It's just too much to handle at once. At least it was for me. Plus, the last thing you want to do is make her feel like it was her fault she got cancer to begin with, because of how she ate.

I hope this helps you. And for one last good story, I am happy and cancer free. I am a 7 year survivor! Feel free to share that with anyone who's just diagnosed. It will bring a smile. I can't be more grateful for the chance at life. So many women beat this disease, young and old. I know it wont be long before a cure is found. Let's keep praying for one. I know I will.